What Am I?

I often wondered. What am I to have been such a devil, hypocrite and slut? I love to do things that insult myself and then going back of them to insult myself again, such as writing about them right here right now. I always do something inappropriate in the wrong time and wrong place that force people to have fake impression of myself, and when I realizes that and wished to correct it always get worse until the exact point of the collapse of friendship, relationship or whatever. I fall into any random person's embrace, without thinking of what impression would I get from my loved ones. Yes they don't love me, but I am making every effort to image myself worse to them and then hoping like an idiot that one day they will turn to me. How ridiculous!

I am actually camming someone at this time, you were pretty drunk at 4AM and horny before going to bed. Saying that you 'lied' when requesting me to show face only and is now asking me to take everything off. doesn't have a cam yourself though and I've already shown you this time last week while he was drunk just like today. Well I did it again anyway... Hoping that I won't be that stupid next week to have answered you in facebook. Yes I do feel shame for myself doing that to someone I've never met in person, let alone having any feelings. That person's still only a few pictures and some flirty words, not much more than that if there's any at all to me.

About telling the truth, I wasn't aware so far what should I actually tell and use white lies or other truths to cover truths that I don't wanna tell, making the impression that I've never lied. This is probably a classic hypocrite trick but as far as I know most people does that, whether they do aware or not. Well what was real amazing was that I am able to tell a truth which sounds like I'm telling a lie without awaring what would that statement affect the person I was talking to, especially the ones that should be covered by other truths.

I don't know if people talk to themselves like me when no one's noticing. I would talk to myself while I was walking alone on the streets or something like that, I talk to myself about everything, the things I see on the streets, where am I going, even gossips and speculations about people. I would be extremely embarrassed while caught doing that, I myself, on the other hand, never caught anyone doing that so I supposed this might have been the problem with my own self.

Love, what a word! I don't know if I am still believing in it. I'll have to have a reason to do that, and I've already got a few reasons like that and believed, and when the reason's gone my belief's gone. And I started to doubt what should I actually do when facing another reason, if believing is always finally turning out doomed, why should I still believe? Yes there are examples around us, but who knows if it was the bubbles just last long enough for a lifetime, given more, it will still break into those powdery droplets? Well, wishing for a bubble like that sounds like a choice, but it is none the less a bubble, not the so-called eternal love.

My heart? Astrology would suggest that Cancers would always put someone they used to love deep in their heart, which is why they will shed a tear passing by the long bench they dated 30 years ago. This is partially true to me. The ones I used to have loved, I mean with my life, seems to always occupy a corner of my heart, while thinking of them I could easily get moved. But none of these people had actually have a relationship with me. Those who have, I actually know from the start that they are not what I want, I go ahead for various reasons, whatever it is, after the relationship goes to an end, they would always be replaced by new ones. I just haven't met anyone whom I had a relationship with that I loved with my life, or if I were to show my positivity towards life, not yet.