On Virginity

Before I lose it, I do feel I have something to protect, that should only be available to that one worthy person. I had to be perfectionist and I had refused to give it away for a few times before I actually did because the person was not right. I lost it to someone I loved dearly and I was happy when I did, only that I hurt him badly afterwards by coming to Australia and drowned by the hopelessness of ever seeing each other again.

And then someone changed me (or I simply changed myself). I became quite loose in terms of sex, I've been through many beds after all these years and I wasn't exactly ashamed of it, I was even refusing to admit that they were ONS's because most of the times I get more than one, and when I didn't I either thought I would but they didn't or the other way around (like we didn't both deliberately meant it, at least I didn't on every start). I've even started to have a few casual lovers to stay over every now and then, I'm happy being like that, at least I thought so. Sex is cheap.

I started to crave for a relationship though after a while, and then I started looking for it. I found it hard. I kept getting ONS when i ask for a relationship because both of us could consider it as a 'trial error' afterwards, and I didn't like it. And people do use that to cover hook ups. I wished to have a proper date but always get sex dates because I fall for it at the tiniest of hints, I found it hard to control myself especially when that was someone who I think I got a chance. Of course in the end I didn't.

And then I had my first proper date in years, it didn't go that well cos I was really nervous. But things changed over a few months and we had a second date which went surprisingly good and there I had a partner. And I think the loose thoughts on sex was hence taken aback because it was hard to get this relationship even started let along keeping it going, I'm not ready to ruin it and fall back to the life I had before. I know the emptiness far too well. And as long as this relationship last I am willing do everything for it. I probably have become my first lover who saw me off to Australia in this relationship but I hope I'm more prepared than he was then.