I Thought We were Fine

I have sensed it quite a few days ago, I can't tell but there had been something going on. And then I did not have an idea for the White Day, because you did it so perfectly on Valentine's Day that I don't know what could I do to match up with that. You aren't welcomed by my housemates to come over and it was public holiday that everything shuts. I asked but you don't seem to care, and I kept telling myself what you said was true that you are not pissed at me for not coming up with anything. And on the day you asked to see me yesterday where we first dated, I knew it's coming. I wanted to confirm but you seemed to be avoiding me which only intensifies the feeling. But I couldn't help thinking of alternatives of that outcome that we both feared, could it be something better than I thought? But I finally figured if it was you don't have to wait for a certain time and place to tell me that. So instead of the usual gear that I bring to stay over at yours I brought the panda that I promised to give you when you leave, and who you promised to bring with you when you leave.

I was hoping to bring you to Chocolate Bean on Union St which I haven't been but saw on internet that they have a big platter of different indulgent hot chocolates and dips like heaven. I sidetracked myself a bit to the little store before meeting you and it did look really nice. I didn't really know whether we would ever be seen together in there though.

You were smiling but I can't make myself smile, all through the way. I have spent the last day preparing myself for it and I was thankful of that. I don't really need to say much because you have rehearsed everything prior, well, to be fair I don't speak much in general anyway. You kept asking whether I have anything to say which I don't really know what to. I can't even think. I always thought we were a really happy couple over the months, that we both feel nice and safe to be with each other, that I am proud to tell people that this is my lover. I thought that was all we need to keep this relationship going, now it seems you didn't think the same. You need someone to share your passion in life, which I can't but you do have plenty of friends to do that with and I'm not supposed to be both a boyfriend and a soul mate. I really do hope that was not the real reason but although curious I don't really want to know. And other than that I'm not expressive enough that I built a wall around myself, which is exactly what I am. I'm not good at talking in general let alone expressing myself, I think I feel more comfortable writing them out though. What is more important is, I don't want to change myself for anyone, I want to be accepted as I am, and in return, you don't need to change anything of yourself for me either, that I would accept you as a whole, because I love you. You thought that that I didn't want you to change anything was a lie but it wasn't. I can't think of anything that I want you to change for me, seriously. I thought we were fantastic as is.

You told me I was allowed to cry, but I was already crying. I don't think I've ever cried in front of you before, and surprisingly this time you didn't because you have rehearsed. I would rather believe you cried enough before that. And then you said you were leaving, I don't know whether that backlight was rehearsed as well but I can't really see you properly. I was thinking whether I should ask for a last hug or kiss but I didn't. And I wasn't looking so I don't know whether you looked back, I guessed not.

I sat there with the ants for a while and decided to leave, two couples behind me which I wasn't aware of were making out. I walked home slowly all the way, thinking I was coping with it better than I thought. But today it got worse, I kept thinking of you curling up in bed with me, I wanted to cry but I can't, I don't know what to do, talking to people about it didn't help. Telling me I deserve better didn't help, I didn't even deserve you, let alone better.

When I say I'd try everything to make you happy, I meant it, but we did not end up happy after all. There are still so many things that I wanted to do with you.I wanted to go to the chocolate factory with you. I wanted you to attend my graduation ceremony. I wanted you to be there on my birthday. I wanted to have a proper photo of the two of us (I was surprised to find out I don't), I even wanted to see you off and change my relationship status on Facebook to widowed.

You said you wanted us to break up in good terms, but there doesn't seem to be a good term when it comes to breaking up after all. Anyway although this wasn't a happy ending I did enjoy every second being with you and I was grateful that I had you. It's been my best relationship so far.

And I suddenly found I don't really have much to remind me of you, not even a proper photo of the two of us.